Is Unschooling Hedonistic and Foster Selfishness?

Unschooling is largely a secular dominated homeschooling philosophy. Some of the most common messages of radical unschooling seem contrary to Christian values. It sounds very child-centered, where children choose whether they help with chores, clean up, what and when they eat. I remember listening to college age unschoolers being interviewed, and hearing a mix of comments I found inspiring as well as comments that led me to stop my consideration of unschooling for the time. I heard these young adults describe how much they were enjoying what they were learning compared to their peers, but I also heard what seemed to be a self-centered attitude about what pleased them or didn’t. I knew I didn’t want to create an environment where a self-centered attitude would be fostered. And of course my top priority is to pass on my love of my savior. So follows the question: If I unschool will I end up raising hedonistic, selfish children?

Truthfully, what is going to shape your children’s heart and attitudes isn’t your educational philosophy, but rather the discipleship that takes place in your home. So the short answer is, yes, you could. You can also get the same result with any other educational method. But I would argue that, no, unschooling does not mean you will end up with a selfish, hedonistic child. I have a previous post where I talk about God’s calling for us as parents here. But right now I want to look further at how unschooling can produce good fruit in our children and push back on the assumption that if a child is unschooled they will grow up to be selfish and self-centered.  

If you are concerned that unschooling does cause children to be selfish, try to ask the question in reverse. Does schoolwork cause a child to be selfless? Were all the children before our modern school system selfish? Does the modern school system today put out selfless children? Of course not. 

Many schools were founded by Christians with the good intention of teaching reading to the masses. There was a nobel goal of bringing education to those who otherwise had no access to less-common information. But for thousands of years before our modern school system, children learned what they needed at home with their families. In the early beginnings of our modern system, school did not begin until children were older, and their time in lessons was shorter. While the intentions in beginning these schools may have been good, that is not to follow that they remain today in our children’s best interest, and we must be careful that schooling does not reach the status of scripture. God’s call for us to teach our children is not God commanding us to school our children. I find that often the idea of unschooling is met with more shock than a breaking of the ten commandments. 

Where unschooling can be hedonistic with an elevation of self, that does not follow that school is a better alternative. In a system designed to conform the masses and teach to the common denominator, we cannot adequately prioritize the uniqueness of how God made each person, or give each person the individualized education that works for how God made them. This is one of the draws of homeschooling for many, and the ability to meet each person where they are at is a contributor to the homeschooling success stories. I have so much respect for friends homeschooling with varieties of different philosophies, because each of them has chosen to sacrifice in order to have their children at home with them and are working to provide the best and most joy-filled education they can. If unschooling is practically lived out as a child solely acting out of their own desires, self is allowed to reign as their master. If unschooling is lived out with Jesus as master rather than a child’s desires, unschooling can be an opportunity for children to discover their place in God’s kingdom work. Self-discovery can be an important part of someone’s journey in finding God’s purpose for their life. The call from God is not self-discovery for the sake of finding peace and joy in ourselves, but to better see our place in the body and take up the high calling of a servant. So to be an unschooling parent I am providing space for this self-discovery, but I am not leading my children to only seek after their own pleasures. 

While school work can be a place for a person to learn to preserve and do hard things, that does not follow that school is the only place to learn those traits or even the best way. There is also the possibility that a student starts believing they are a failure because they are being pushed to learn a skill before they are developmentally ready, or that they will cease to notice and wonder at the majesty of God because His creation has been reduced to test questions and dry textbook paragraphs. 

“Two worst things as can happen to a child is never to have his own way- or always to have it.” -Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden

As I came back to relook at unschooling after pursuing other philosophies due to my concern over the question of selfishness, I heard an example of a less-radical approach. I began to consider how to bring back the curiosity and joy into learning, without giving up each child to their own whims. I think secular unschooling often approaches children as being without a sin nature and encourages them to live for themselves. “Live your best life”  and “Do what makes you happy and feel good”. These are the messages of our culture at this time, so it makes sense that these are the messages being portrayed from secular home-educators as well. These messages can be passed on to children through culture whether one unschools, uses living books, or sends their children to public school. Secular unschooling has secularized God-given traits of curiosity, drive and self-awareness. It has taken these traits as central tenants while ignoring the God that created humans to be curious, driven with a purpose, and with startling uniqueness in how he formed each of us in the womb. As christians we can remember these traits are God-given, instead of fearing them as secular. Like all parts of our human nature they can be used for His glory when submitted to God. 

As unschoolers, there is lots of space for each child to pursue their own interest. But part of why I love having my children at home is the strengthening of the family bond; the time for doing things together as a family. This involves compromise as we choose to do things for one person’s interest, for the sake of being together. We balance doing activities for our own interest with doing what our loved ones enjoy for the sake of relationship. This practice of giving up our own desires for another is central to Christ’s gospel. 

Even without requiring a curriculum, life in our house is not centered around the children. They are expected to help around the house, for the reason that contributing is part of being part of a community and family. We find ways to serve in our community, and they learn the joy of serving and giving. We eat dinner as a family, because that is part of how our family chooses to spend time together, and at least try each food item, as that is part of showing gratitude for the work done to make the food. We remind them to say “please” and “thank you” because those habits of speech train gratitude. We read Bible together, as well as other beautiful stories. We talk about our family values, and moral questions. 

Formal schoolwork is not the only way that children learn attitudes of gratitude, hard work and perseverance, service and compassion. These attitudes are antidote to a self-centered existence, and there are many more effective ways to help foster these in our children than requiring book work. 

I do believe there is caution to be had in unschooling, as there is with all good things. My husband likes to say that an idol is a good thing that becomes the main thing and ruins everything. As school can be so boring and unbending, ruining a love of God and His world; so unschooling can be too indulging, creating a self-focused perspective. The space for discovery and passion must be cultivated to include a proper view of self and a heart to serve God. The freedom in unschooling must be contained within self-control and obedience to God or our children will be slaves to a different master. 

There is a beauty in unschooling that speaks to me as I see how the unschooling philosophy lines up with how God created families. He created us to be with our children, work beside them, answer their questions and point them towards God.

There is not a step by step instruction manual in the Bible on how exactly to educate our children. Instead we are told about our relationship with them. When unschooling is a philosophy within a house that is seeking the Lord and following Him, godly character traits and faith shared through generations can be inherited by our children.