Responding to Fears Around Socialization

“What about socialization? How will they be socialized?” This is one of those questions that I often am asked about homeschooling. I always try to assume that when someone is asking me questions regarding homeschooling, they are asking with good intentions. Homeschooling was once a foreign concept to me too, so I want to always respond with grace. Now that I’ve stepped into the world of homeschooling, this is one of the questions that I worry about least, as I see my children grow in their friendships and relationships with others. But I want to be able to reassure those who have this concern, as well as dive deeper into the question to look at what my goals are for my children and their socialization. 

Here is the Oxford’s dictionary’s definition of the word socialization:

1. the activity of mixing socially with others."socialization with students has helped her communication skills"

2. the process of learning to behave in a way that is acceptable to society."preschool starts the process of socialization"

Here is the definition I found on Wikipedia: 

In sociology, socialization is the process of internalizing the norms and ideologies of society. 

Before we look at how homeschooled children socialize, let’s define what is really our goal as we look to ‘socialize’ our kids? Do we want our children to experience the joy and meaning that comes from deep friendships? Of course. Do we want them to have experiences being with groups of other people so they understand the cultural expectations while being in a group of people? Yes, this is important. Do we want them to have opportunities to experience the joy of serving others, opportunities to learn from being with people who are different from them and from different backgrounds, opportunities to practice the art of being a good friend. Yes again. Equally important, is what do we not want our children to learn? In a culture that has rejected God, do we really want them to learn all the norms and ideologies of our society? Or do we want them to learn to think critically and reject the parts of our culture that deny God and what He calls good. Do we want our children to grow up from a young age with a strong pressure to conform, or feel rejected for some of the traits that make them unique? There are many good and important skills to be learned in social situations, so then we must ask how best to give our children opportunities to practice these skills, while protecting them from pressure to conform and stifle their unique traits. How do we do our best to raise them with an innocence about our culture’s failings without naivety?

We can also turn around the question. Will sending a child to school mean they will gain social skills? 

Being social doesn’t simply mean just being around other kids. In organized activities like classes or sports, there are brief moments for conversations and kids to get to know each other, but most of the time is spent working towards some goal or product. Social skills and friendships are built in ample free time with others. Time to use their imaginations and creativity,  to problem solve and compromise as they are playing with others who have different ideas and opinions. Play is simply one of the best teachers of social skills. It allows children to ‘try on’ different roles, personalities, conversations, and character traits. As homeschooled children have more free time, they have more time to play and therefore develop these social skills. Most homeschoolers I know meet up with other homeschoolers on a regular basis. There are co-ops, play-dates, groups of various types. These meet-ups often also have the advantage of mixed-age play, often playing in groups with children of varying ages, as opposed to being grouped mostly with children of the same age. Mixed age play offers several developmental benefits, including development of empathy by being around younger children and development of social skills as they engage in a variety of relationships. 

A main skill of someone considered to be sociable, is their ability to communicate in a way that people can hear what they are saying, and their ability to listen and understand what others are saying. This skill is developed through conversations, especially in conversation with a wise adult. As a homeschooling family, my children have ample opportunity to engage with many adults throughout the day in meaningful conversations. In a classroom, children are mostly with others their same age, with minimal conversations with the only adult present. Being with other people is not the magic ingredient to developing social skills. There are plenty of socially awkward people who attend/attended school. The social skills of their parents is a far greater factor in determining their social ability. This is because these skills are learned from their conversations with the adults in their life. 

While kids are young, having a trusted adult nearby who can consistently help them when they struggle to share, deal with frustration or other big emotions, and can comfort them when they’ve been hurt or wronged will better prepare them with the needed social skills and confidence to thrive socially when they’ve grown. Even well-intentioned, caring teachers cannot replace the steady loving presence of a parent in this responsibility, as most children from secure homes won’t come to a teacher the same way they do a parent. When children are older, they are much more independent in their play, but may still need some help dealing with conflict. As parents, we can offer this support both in real time or reflectively depending on the situation in a way a teacher responsible for 25 children cannot. 

While my oldest was in school, she was told that she wasn’t allowed to tell another that she didn’t want to play with them. While I understand that we don’t want our kids to exclude others, we do want them to be allowed to set boundaries and not play with someone who is consistently unkind to them. As an adult I’ve had to work and be around difficult people. It is a necessary skill to learn. The difference for children in a classroom is that they have no choice about being there or who else is there. As an adult I can find a new job. I can choose what activities I participate in. I also am more mature and can better handle these situations. As a homeschooling parent I also have more control over who my children spend time with. As we spend time with other homeschool families I have opportunities to teach my children how to interact with someone who is difficult for them, but also teach them that they can set boundaries if something is too much. Once we had over a family whose son constantly was speaking of a rather violent video game, even after my daughter asked him to stop. We let her lock herself in our room to read to herself until they left, because she felt so uncomfortable hearing him talk of the game. This was a great learning opportunity and led to conversations about what to do when someone’s words make you uncomfortable. You ask them to stop and if they don’t, you don’t spend time with them. I want her to know that she can set boundaries with those around her and that she does not have to stay in a situation if someone is making her uncomfortable.  

As parents, we know our children best, and can slowly expose them to the reality of the broken world at a developmentally appropriate age/time, while being there to help them process the brokenness. While there comes a time to prepare our children for real temptations they will experience, the presence of evil; it is a gift to them to allow their young childhood to be a safe and secure one. I feel grateful that my girls have had a childhood where the pressure to ‘grow up’ early is minimized. When they hear of some of the brokenness, we talk about it and I can lens it through the teachings of scripture. When our family has had the opportunity to take in children who need a safe place, they are becoming aware that not everyone has the healthy family and support system they do. But we can discuss the topic with hope and that God’s heart is with the orphans and widows, moving us to be his hands and feet. I don’t want my children to grow up sheltered and unaware of the world. This does not prepare them to engage in it. But I do want them to grow up with an innocence not having experienced it first-hand.

In reality, school is a relatively new construct. Children have been mostly raised by their family with varying levels of community support depending on culture and where they grew up. God made the family unit as the central foundation to the surrounding community and culture. And he made us humans as social beings, where in a perfect garden before sin entered the world it was not good for man to be alone. His solution to this need was family. These are the children God has entrusted you to raise. He has created your family and equipped you as a parent to be what your children need to become socially competent adults.